Hey old friend,

Through the realization of my experiences and our lasting relationship with one another, I figured it was a good time to tell you how I feel.  We have had many conversations through the years you and me, some which have left me wanting more.  However, it has always been like that between us, a tug-of-war relationship filled with give and take.

I remember when we first met, hell how could I ever forget.  I was young; hell practically a baby in the eyes of the world but that did not bother you.  If you recall, which I am sure you do not, the day was an exciting one for me.  I woke up that Saturday twelve years ago excited to hit the field for a minor league baseball game.  My excitement was fueled by a ferocious love of sports and a youthful appreciation for life.  I remember my bat hitting the ball and as a rounded first base, you decided to cut in.  HI, you said violently with an abrupt shortness of breath followed by a violent cough.  This was your first attempt at meeting me.  I shrugged off the odd pain and continued with my play, to be honest I cannot tell you the score of that game, who we played, or even the events that followed on that beautiful Saturday morning.  What I can tell you is that this was the beginning of a love-HATE relationship that I am forever bound.

Weeks passed as you continued to make a mysterious appearance in my day-to-day life.  Your HI grew into HELLO and your HELLO grew into HOW ARE YOU's as my conditioned worsened.  The more I ignored your presence the louder you seemed to scream at my soul, until one day your voice grew too loud.  After many trips to the doctor where you always seem to follow, we found ourselves marching through the white hallways of a cold hospital corridor.  As I passed an unfamiliar sign that read "Oncology" in big bold letters, you somehow managed to whisper, "This is no good".  As the doors opened, we were directed to a small room where in the middle set a large round table occupied by many lab-coated doctors.  I have to admit, intimidation was never one of my worries up until this moment, thank you for this lesson dear friend.  As my family and I set amongst these doctors, I remember wondering what events would follow.  You would not let me forget the bold red word that will forever burn red in my mind.  Oncology what did it mean?!?  What ever it's meaning, no good was to come, at the time anyways.  A doctor interrupted my thoughts with this heart felt sentence, "Mr. and Ms. Presnell, we believe your son has C A N C E R.  This was it, you finally caught my attention and for the first time I learned your name.  I had no clue who you were or the impact you would so vividly impose on my life.  This quickly showed when I muttered the comment, "Can I still play football"....AH the innocents you stole! FUCK YOU for taking that from me.

That year was the hardest year I have experienced to date.  The give-take relationship at this point was all TAKE and you never seemed to mind.  You stole my childhood wonder, imagination, innocence, and joy.  In there place you filled my mind with pure unadulterated hate and anger for the life I was cursed to live during that year.  You managed to form questions such as "Am I going to die?" in a young mind.  What ten year old ask this question!!!  Again, FUCK YOU for that.  You took from me football; a sport that I loved like it was family.  YOU forced me to stand on the sidelines and watch the other kids enjoy my passion; I need you to know that this killed me.  It was not enough for you to cast physical harm on my frail body yet you needed the satisfaction of ripping my emotions apart.  The torment of losing my passion coupled with the feelings of being an outcast in the eyes of my classmates was devastating.  Do not interrupt my thought with you excuses of a future life filled with a greater appreciation...NO, I am not there yet and I am not finished telling you what you took.  You forced me to worry and worry and worry about my physical appearance in the eyes of others.  You caused me insurmountable pain with torture like treatments one uses to rid their selves of you cancer.  I can truly say it was as painful to keep you as it was to get rid of you.  The doctors and I fought you with poisonous chemo and invasive test that would make the hardest of men beg for mercy.  You made me work to kill you while all along you were working to kill me.

Month's passed and the day came when I was able to tell you goodbye.  That day was the most wonderful day of my life.  You were GONE and I had won.  You smiled and I smiled back as our tearful goodbyes were spoken.  Today I sit some 12 years later and 12 years wiser a man shaped by you dear cancer.  Through all the anger and hate, I can honestly say that I am forever thankful for our relationship.  I am thankful that you were able to open my eyes to a life that is truly worth living.  I am thankful for the humble lessons you forced me to learn.  I am thankful for the warrior I am today.  Moreover, dear cancer, I am thankful to have known you.  I ask that you pick your future students wisely.  If you must introduce yourself to others may they have the strength to understand your lessons and the fight to tell you goodbye.  I hope we never meet again cancer, but if our paths are to cross in my old age, rest assure in the fact that a warrior will be there to once again smile in your presence. 

Forever Your Survivor,

Preston Presnell
Founder, TLN

I encourage each of you to sit down when you find the time and write a letter to cancer.  Laura Ellen suggested this to Captain a few weeks ago after we all found out that Captain received some bad news.  I think we can all relate to each other's feelings when it comes to our dear old friend cancer.  I look forward to reading your post!  As always gang, show cancer just who the hell you are!