Wednesday, January 6, 2010, 08:01 PM EST
[General]
I did something random today old friend. I’m not sure why … but I did.
After awhile of driving, my truck found itself back in the parking lot of the building where I last saw you. Without hesitation I opened my door, got out, and began walking towards the building where I knew you wouldn’t be. As I walked through the hallways, my path directed towards the room you had the night before my mind felt peace. As the white-coats passed with a smile I caught myself fitting in as this were any other non-random trip. One foot in front of the other my legs lead me to the outside garden. I took a seat on a cold stone bench overlooking the room where you once laid. It was windy as I tried to stop the plastic from my store bought sandwich from flying away. I couldn’t help recounting the details of the day as it is one ill never find me forgetting. It’s been awhile since you left this earth bound for greater things but your impact is still close to our hearts. I’ve been wondering if you’ve staged a sit down with the big guy in the sky. Knowing you I’m sure you pushed right to the front of the line. I wonder if you asked “Why Me”? Hell, I wonder if those two words will ever yield an answered either here or there. If you did ask I can imagine his response wrapped tight in a warm confident grin. His hands on your shoulder, he probably said a little something like this…
Nicole, you are to many an unmovable object of amplified courage. You must know that I choose only the strongest of my children to show the world my purpose. I’m proud of you, mainly the woman so many came to admire. It was though your fight that others found grace. It was through your pain that others were able to see the good in a bad day. Lastly, it was through your passing that the souls you touched learned to live and breathe each day with an immense fire. I chose you my love because you are a survivor.
You are and will always remain my dearest companion in an unfair courageous fight. You gave em hell and never gave in or up. You stood when others would sit and smiled when others could not. Your name and the story you wrote through your actions will weather the ages old friend. To say we miss you does not begin to express the feelings surging in our hearts but I know you were meant for greatness. In the end many of us just plain need a strong angel to do the watching.
I sometimes vision a life without struggle, without the negatives, without the bad news. I wonder how much better our life would be if we woke up to the sun grazing our faces and our heart, mind, and soul looked forward to the day ahead. At first it is easy to say what wouldn't there be to like about such a life? Smiles would never be in short supply and laughter would fill our every moment. However, what would be the end result, the purpose of living such a life? Would it be that we would skip happily through that type of existence until or time has come and we are to be called away?
When my visions of the perfect life ecstasy fades I ponder on the ramifications and the ultimate dash between the dates on our headstone. I believe if life were perfect it would cancel out the things we hold dear. No longer would there be epic battles where the names of the hero's last the ages. No longer would we triumph over ever lasting evil, which lets us know that we are capable and deserving of more. In simple text, our lives would be static. Growth would be halted and we would just be existing in happiness. But is this enough? Through my years, I have been one who welcomes hardship and evil. I have cried, felt sorrow, pain and destruction only to come out in the end smiling in the face of these obstacles. For this I have become stronger and with each event and each new day I've grown stronger into the man, into the person that walk's shoulders straight chin up. I carry my scars both emotional and physical proudly as they are the words that tell the story of my dash. I sometimes struggle so much on the importance of living a life worth reading about that I often find myself worn out and worried over never doing enough. Have I become a person who thrives off overcoming?
It was Thomas Jefferson who said "We hold these truths to be sacred and undeniable, that all men are created equal and independent, that from that equal creation they derive rights inherent and inalienable, among which are the preservation of life, and liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."
The pursuit of happiness is what makes our lives worth living. It is in this constant pursuit we find will, courage, power, and strength to conquer another day. Without the pursuit, we would not be able to find growth and with out that growth we would lose our identity. Therefore, I ask, is the perfect life void of all negatives the one you wish for or do you live to experience all which makes us human...
Tonight as the seconds tick by and the dim light from the lamp in the corner reflects off my glaring eyes I write scorned and a man on fire. My heart is absolutely utterly enraged at the coward that has haunted my life. Enough is enough, too long have your actions rained down on my life and the people I hold precious, too long have you challenge the will of those that have triumphed over you. Enough is enough and we get your fucking point!
I come to you tonight eyes watered with emotion of anger that pulses through my veins as I try to grasp once again what the hell you want. Again, as many times before I ask WHY. To strike once I can understand. You have filled our life with a flame of passion that fuels our every action and you have broken the mold to unveil the idols you have carved. But twice!!! I ask, idiotically, ignorantly, angrily and spitefully, Why the FUCK do you feel the need to come back. Leave her alone, show her your purpose and get the hell out of our lives. You bend and you bend always trying to break the soul of your carrier but tonight I beg you to stop. I beg because you are not tangible, if you were I'd come down on you with an evil that Lucifer himself would fear! So tonight I beg...on both knees, stop. Let her go.
She is strong and has put you in your place once before, I ask...Did you not learn your lesson the first time around? To come back for more is a cowardly act and one of desperation. She doesn't fear you, nor the pain, or death for that matter. So I ask how does it feel. How does it feel when someone is able to smile at the face of death? How less of a creature do you feel because she is able to laugh while filled with such pain. I ASK YOU, how does it feel to be so fucking weak!!! We are not weak; she is not weak so I ask that you move on.
Move on to those souls that ironically need you in their life. Move on to share your harsh but priceless knowledge. You are no longer welcome here.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009, 01:51 PM EST
[General]
I want to apologize for my absence and for the static, which has found itself to our website. I can say that I have been busy with work and life in general but that would be a cop out to you all. I will be back soon and so will the life that once pulsed through this site. I've been distracted and for that I am sorry to you all. You deserve better and better is what I plan to deliver. Keep your eyes posted....
The world is your oyster, that's how the saying goes.
Life is a crazy concept in the mind of an individual. You live and learn all along racing through life to discover its true meaning. We fall, we stand up and we continue down a path that will deliver us to an understanding.
I feel I have lived one hell of a life and that life has lived one hell of me. I am constantly slashing through miles of thoughts and wonders about what it all means. Why am I here? Why did I make it out when so many others have fallen or are continuously cursed by things that haunt their soul? Who am I...
Everyone has that one defining moment that shatters their world and everything they believed to be real. It crashes into your self-absorbed abstract of an existence and forces you to make a decision...and a hard one at that. For me it was my constant companion, cancer. It attacked me in a way I never knew existed and inflicted pain I never knew was possible. It was my defining moment but is not the definition of who I am.
I have raced through life headstrong and determined to reach my oyster. During this race I have stumbled into storybook friend ships that will last the ages and hurt people who loved me. I have exploded through obstacles and achieved goals at each stage of my life. I have loved, I have hated, and I grown. I am who I am because of the road I have traveled.
Its hard not to smile when you sit back to reflect on the past and look forward to your future. Frankly, it is all astonishingly beautiful. After reading this passage stop and take a moment to reflect. Do not dwell on the past but bask in what you have learned. Do not fear what the future holds yet understand that you will be ready. Go ahead I'll wait.
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Pretty amazing isn't it? It is amazing what your mind can teach you when you take the time to listen.
I took a deep breath today and then slowly let it out, something I rarely ever do. With the inhale of that breath, my mind drifted to my existence and with the exhale came a euphoric understanding of my life as is stands. I realized that to live life is to learn life. I am growing into the man that will one day be ready to shuck his oyster and place his fingers around its pearl. I will be ready to appreciate its beauty and wield its power.
