Tonight as the seconds tick by and the dim light from the lamp in the corner reflects off my glaring eyes I write scorned and a man on fire. My heart is absolutely utterly enraged at the coward that has haunted my life. Enough is enough, too long have your actions rained down on my life and the people I hold precious, too long have you challenge the will of those that have triumphed over you. Enough is enough and we get your fucking point!
I come to you tonight eyes watered with emotion of anger that pulses through my veins as I try to grasp once again what the hell you want. Again, as many times before I ask WHY. To strike once I can understand. You have filled our life with a flame of passion that fuels our every action and you have broken the mold to unveil the idols you have carved. But twice!!! I ask, idiotically, ignorantly, angrily and spitefully, Why the FUCK do you feel the need to come back. Leave her alone, show her your purpose and get the hell out of our lives. You bend and you bend always trying to break the soul of your carrier but tonight I beg you to stop. I beg because you are not tangible, if you were I'd come down on you with an evil that Lucifer himself would fear! So tonight I beg...on both knees, stop. Let her go.
She is strong and has put you in your place once before, I ask...Did you not learn your lesson the first time around? To come back for more is a cowardly act and one of desperation. She doesn't fear you, nor the pain, or death for that matter. So I ask how does it feel. How does it feel when someone is able to smile at the face of death? How less of a creature do you feel because she is able to laugh while filled with such pain. I ASK YOU, how does it feel to be so fucking weak!!! We are not weak; she is not weak so I ask that you move on.
Move on to those souls that ironically need you in their life. Move on to share your harsh but priceless knowledge. You are no longer welcome here.
I want to apologize for my absence and for the static, which has found itself to our website. I can say that I have been busy with work and life in general but that would be a cop out to you all. I will be back soon and so will the life that once pulsed through this site. I've been distracted and for that I am sorry to you all. You deserve better and better is what I plan to deliver. Keep your eyes posted....
The world is your oyster, that's how the saying goes.
Life is a crazy concept in the mind of an individual. You live and learn all along racing through life to discover its true meaning. We fall, we stand up and we continue down a path that will deliver us to an understanding.
I feel I have lived one hell of a life and that life has lived one hell of me. I am constantly slashing through miles of thoughts and wonders about what it all means. Why am I here? Why did I make it out when so many others have fallen or are continuously cursed by things that haunt their soul? Who am I...
Everyone has that one defining moment that shatters their world and everything they believed to be real. It crashes into your self-absorbed abstract of an existence and forces you to make a decision...and a hard one at that. For me it was my constant companion, cancer. It attacked me in a way I never knew existed and inflicted pain I never knew was possible. It was my defining moment but is not the definition of who I am.
I have raced through life headstrong and determined to reach my oyster. During this race I have stumbled into storybook friend ships that will last the ages and hurt people who loved me. I have exploded through obstacles and achieved goals at each stage of my life. I have loved, I have hated, and I grown. I am who I am because of the road I have traveled.
Its hard not to smile when you sit back to reflect on the past and look forward to your future. Frankly, it is all astonishingly beautiful. After reading this passage stop and take a moment to reflect. Do not dwell on the past but bask in what you have learned. Do not fear what the future holds yet understand that you will be ready. Go ahead I'll wait.
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Pretty amazing isn't it? It is amazing what your mind can teach you when you take the time to listen.
I took a deep breath today and then slowly let it out, something I rarely ever do. With the inhale of that breath, my mind drifted to my existence and with the exhale came a euphoric understanding of my life as is stands. I realized that to live life is to learn life. I am growing into the man that will one day be ready to shuck his oyster and place his fingers around its pearl. I will be ready to appreciate its beauty and wield its power.
To be conscious of your destructive surroundings and just not give a shit?
Do you know how it feels?
Ones that love me often refer to me as an asshole. I think they use this word because they cannot process just what type of person I truly am. If they could for a moment step into my soul, I believe they would be in for one eye opening journey. They would wonder euphorically along the dark path that leads to my chamber of "feelings". This chamber in normal people possess there deepest emotions. It is a place where sorrow, hurt, pain, agony, and fear, all sit around a smoky card room gambling a person's life away. They would walk up to the door of my chamber of sorrow and reach to grab a cold stainless steal handle. It would not take much to swing open the frail contour of this door, for you see it has been slammed open more times, than I am able to count. Each time the rugged door lost a little more of its structural composition and each time a little more "feelings" were able to escape until there were no more. They would walk into a bottomless, drafty room where the stench of an intoxicating haze hangs in the air. It would be in this moment that they would realize the life I have lived and the enormity of the feelings I have felt in my short life. They would leave a little harden from their journey and emerge a different person.
They would stand before me gazing into my eyes and say, I'm sorry. I am sorry not for calling you an asshole but because you cannot feel. It must be awful, they'd say. I would smile because I have been down this road before. We would leave that moment a little closer and more aware of the world around us.
This is my life, I am an asshole, but I have earned every letter...
With Love,
Preston Presnell LifeLinkage.Com "Welcome To a New Perspective"
Mr. Shock: "We have determined the spots on your lung and liver to be sarcoma
(aka C a n c e r)
At a moment, her world stops the outside noise of the active city life deafens and shock sets in.
IT CANT BE
NOT AGAIN
Just 12 years ago, this same woman received her last round of chemo and submerged out of a dreary white hospital a Survivor. Free to open her eyes to a bright new world, free to open her ears to the active city sounds and the fresh aroma of the local cuisines bellowing from the near by cook shacks. The sun on her skin coupled with the joy in her heart revitalized the life in her veins.
IT WAS OVER
She lived day to day always aware of the battle she once fought. Her eyes were for the first time open to the true joys of life and the realization that time no longer seemed to matter. Joy, pride, strength, appreciation, determination, a life worth living, these were her newborn characteristics. Therefore, as many of us in the fellowship of cancer survivors do we push it back, deep down into the pits of our souls never to be reminded of the day we were bombarded by three powerful words that would forever change our life.
"You have cancer"
I have tried through various writings and attempts at copy write infringements to develop an explanation of how it truly feels to hear those words. Through my countless search and reflections of my own bout with the monster, I have been unable to find a statement worth illustrating. Sure I can say it feels like a punch to the stomach or a lose of a loved one or that it just plain sucks, but that would not begin to envelop the true physiological embodiment of hearing those words. To have been told you have a disease which steals millions upon millions of lives without any discrimination of age, gender, race, or genealogy for that matter is down right, alone in a dark room after watching Friday the 13th, terrifying. In my own search for portraying the true feeling of first hearing those words process through your brain at the rate of an old school computer that you played Oregon Trail on in grade school, I have decided to reach down in my soul to describe a fraction of how it truly feels.
If you could for a moment imagine a gun, being held to your temple by a mass murderer and in three seconds he will 100% pull the trigger and end your life. Now image instead of a surefire death from a mass murder, the gun was now in the hands of cancer. Cancer ties a rope to a door of a frequented bathroom while the other end is delicately wrapped around the trigger of a gun pointed directly at you. The kicker to cancer's plot is that cancer will leave a pair of scissors lying just out of reach. It does this to make you struggle, work, gasp, and contemplate your survival. While you sit there alone in the bathroom, contemplating ways of reaching the one thing that can save your life you break down. Your head lowers, the world stops, and you ask yourself why. Why me out of all the terrible people in this world. Why me, when I have so much I want to see and do and offer the world I love and treasure. For a moment you simply say fuck it, let the door open and end my constant worries that dig into the pits of my heart, stomach, and soul. Bring it, take me now! Then it happens, those three seconds turn into four and the four into five and your head begins to lift. You find the primordial survival fueled by the anger of things unfair and in a moment, you reach! You struggle hard across the bathroom floor finding anything you can to drag the scissors closer. You remind yourself of your past fights and the passions you are destined to pursue. You're reminded of the ones who love you and the soldiers that are cheering you through. As your fingers wrap around the stainless steal blades you hold them proud knowing you gave it your all. With every emotion and time spent wondering the tears from your eyes clear to revile the rope snug between the two blades of steal and you clinch down! As the sound of the fibers tear, one by one you begin to reflect on your time alone on that cold bathroom floor. You remember how you felt when cancer set that vary trap in the highlight of your fragile life. You recall the feel of a cool breeze on an autumn day, the taste of your favorite spirit coupled with a bite of your favorite food, you think back to the seconds before when giving up seemed inevitable, you remember how life use to be, who you use to be and most importantly, you remember your passion. The last fiber of the rope snaps as the gun slams to the floor and a joyful river of tears flood down your chin. Although drained from emotion and weak from the fight you stand fierce from your victory.
You Stand a Survivor
Here is to you my dear friend in battle. I have made a connection with you that will last an eternity and I look up to the life you have lived and will continue to live. You are my closest soldier in an unfair battle between an enemies we shall fight once more. I cannot say that I understand what it means to have been told after so many years that the monster you worked so hard to beat has come back for more. However, I can and will always say that we must fight. Remember the past, remember sitting in that bathroom and remember how you were able to cut the rope. I love you with a bond that we will always share and will add to your strength every step of the way.
Never forget that you are and will continue to be a
SURVIVOR
With much Love and Fight,
Preston Presnell Founder, LifeLinkage.Com "Welcome To a New Perspective"
